A Little Too Much ~Shawn Mendes

She would not show that she was afraid,
But being and feeling alone was too much to face,

Though everyone said that she was so strong,
What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much,

She would always tell herself she could do this
She would use no help it would be just fine
But when it got hard she would lose her focus
So take my hand and we'll be alright

And she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much, yeah.

A little too much, I said a little too much, oh

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much yeah!

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much

I should be asleep...

Tonight at work some drunk guy lets call him just that The drunk guy asked me to go to a After Bar at on of his friends houses I as nicely as possible told him no Thank you after some back and forth and playful banter between us and his three friends laughing and having a good time he told me that he didn't find me attractive he just wanted to have sex with me.  As much as that has happened to me before guys just wanting to have sex with me(hey I work in a bar I get it drunk guys want to have sex... Real life is all guys want to have sex.)  I knew that he wanted that, that is why I told him that I was not going to the after bar.  I'm NOT the kind of girl that to roll around with you in the dark and the next day act like it never happened.  I've always said "I'm not the kind of girl you take home to your bed, I'm the kind of girl you take home to meet your Mom."  But with all the guys that have tried to turn me into the girl you roll around with for a night none of them have ever said anything like that to me. 

I should be asleep...  

Why is it that I am a smart person who know's she is pretty most days anyway and it's 3:02 A.M. and I am sitting in a chair crying over what The Drunk Guy said to me.  It was bull nonsense rambling from a drunk who I will probably never see again why do I care?

I should be asleep...

There is not one person on this planet who likes everything about his/her self, and if someone told you they do they lie.  I have love handles and weigh the most right now that I ever have in my whole life... I know that because I have been on the scale in the bathroom twice tonight since I got home from work because I could not believe what it said the first time.  Maybe the drunk guy is right. Maybe that's why I haven't found someone to love me.  But that's not true.  My crazy brain pushing every guy away that shows even a little bit on interest in me.   Because I am afraid of being hurt.  Being told that no one will ever love me or being cheated on again.  

I should be asleep...

Tonight was to Too Much... The Drunk Guy was Too Much ... All of it  Everything about it was Too Much  

Too Much to deal with.  Too Much to listen to ... Too Much to have to be alone with in my crazy head... Too Much to think about ... 

 Just Too Much

Find Faith and Hold it dear... Trust in your Faith when you've had Too Much

...Today was Too Much 

Let your Faith be Bigger than Your Too Much

K*

While My Guitar Gently Weeps ~ The Beatles

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know why nobody told you
How to unfold your love
I don't know how someone controlled you
They bought and sold you

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps

Well...

I don't know how you were diverted
You were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
No one alerted you

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
Look at you all
Still my guitar gently weeps

Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, ooh



…




I'm on a boat(i wont be when i post this)
There are so many thoughts in my head
BF#3 and i are on cruise number 3 is glorious:)
My online diary drove us to the airport
We flew to Florida and BF#3 lost her cell phone for about 45 seconds... we stayed in a hotel we Swam then slept and went to the boat the next day … The shuttle from the hotel to the port was a joke … The drives were annoying
We got on board and found our room, than ate (because that's why I go on cruises) there was no open tables so we asked these nice guys if we could share their table and the said that was fine … Thats how we met the Super Six the other guys came over to fine them sitting with us instead of them and teased them about how they be sitting with us too :) we all laughed. We unpacked had dinner and headed to the bar (because that's the other reason to go on a cruise) after sipping a Moscow Mule we went to the piano bar The Piano Man was so talented. We ran into the Super Six again. The night was amazing. We the next day was a full day at sea. It was fun we read and hung out on deck … We dressed up for the fancy night at dinner.  We went to the Piano bar again. 

The next night we were in Amber Cover which is in the Dominican Republic.  The Port is Brand new so here wasn't much other then shops to look at there.  After some shopping we found a taxi and went to a beach.  We laid in under a tree and swam in the ocean.  Bought a few more things and went back to port.  After returning to the boat we took turns showering and than I took a nap.  After dinner there was a deck party so we found good people watching seats and got ready for the show... Not much people watching happened because The Super Six came up and we starting talking.  We stayed up too late ( I stayed up later) Then we all had breakfast together in the morning (later in the morning for sure)  We met up at A bar on The Island of Grand Turk had lunch Beers and parted ways so The Girls could do some shopping as The Boys headed to a different bar.  The separation  didn't last long as we ran into them later on on the beach.  We swam the the day away.  When it was time to go back on the Victory for the last time we (BF#3 and I) Had lunch and washed the salt water off.  After Naps and dinner we went to the Piano bar to see Billy (get it like Billy Joel) We snag and hung out... after the entertainment was over the 8 of us went for pizza.  Then Half of us went to bed.  I sat on the deck reading and looking at the stars.  Per Normal I was last to bed.  The Last day we Mini-Golfed and played ping-pong and went down the slid (which I learned was a team sport and was taught how do it correctly) Showed and had dinner for the last time on the Victory.  We also spent the last night At the Piano Bar where for part of the show Billy was joined by Eric and Kenny (stay with me here people Billy Joel-piano, Eric Clapton-guitar, Kenny G -Saxophone) It was great.

The Whole trip was Great!!

We made new friends

We made new Memories

We learned that 5 days is NOT long enough

And I learned that no matter how far away you go everything will be waiting for you when you get home ... The Good and The Bad

Anyway I think that's enough for today

Have Faith

K*

Total count on Books read 3 (not enough)
See me-Nicholas Sparks
Will Grayson, Will Grayson-John Green David Levithan (On lone From The Champ)
It's Kind Of A Funny Story-Ned Vizzini

Only Hope ~ Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Today I spent the day with Sister #,1 BIL #1, BF #3, a kid I use to baby sit, his lady friend and one very short person... Today I was speechless and truly humbled by what I saw all round of us.  We climbed bluffs and walked around on trails.  It was AMAZING ... honestly even now after I have eaten and am in pj's I still have no words to describe how great it was.... 

That's all for today people... 

Until Next time

Have Faith

I Lived~ OneRepublic

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Oh Oh Oh Oh

With every broken bone, I swear I lived.
With every broken bone, I swear I...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

Oh  Oh Oh Oh

I swear I lived.
Ohhh
Ohhh



Sometimes I wonder if I have really lived my life...
Sometimes I think that life is passing me by
Sometimes I want to pay off my car save all the nickels and dimes and just run away.
But where would I go?? Where could I go without knowing anyone
Could I go the rest of my life without talking to my family?
Well the answer to that question is a big fat NO... HAHAHA

Back on track

Have I really lived my life??
I'm 29 I have been on 2 (almost 3) Cruises
I have been to
New York twice
Boston once
Disney once
The Mall of America
I lived outside of Home town USA for 16 months
I can go to the movies and out to eat by myself and not hate my life anymore (this is a real thing)
I can drive my self the seven (ok not really more like six) hours to my sisters house to see her and her family
... Maybe my some should have been Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better 
In real life that is not my I am going for here

Sometimes when the past returns it is not there it Hunt you but to remind you that you are Strong
Sometimes a telemarketer will call my house on a Sunday Morning... Wait that's right a SUNDAY morning like before 9 A.M. and ask a someone who do not now nor ever has life in the house... Right because as I said they call MY HOUSE on a Sunday morning and asked for He Who Shall Not Be Named...
This person who I think was somewhere in Asia used his name in on the house phone and at no point in my day did he appear
Ok I know Harry Potter is just a book (or to some of you fools Just a Movie) but that was always the best way to deal with him... Treat him like a evil wizard that no one would even use the name of ... But today when My Mother told me that The man from Asia called and said his name I did not freak out ... Ok I did not like would have years or even months ago... it was normal K-town freak out... No dark place involved


I am making a solid effort to help my mom and dad more... Yesterday Mom and I did all that laundry and cleaned her bed room from top to bottom... I cooked us lunch  and then went to work for Collage football day... with all the Banquets lately it a clear blue miracle that I worked less then 50 hours this week,  But I did... After work I went to see my favorite local band...(two of the members of said band gradated from high school with me... CLASS OF '04 BABY)  I had today off to sleep in and eat leftover chicken I went to a Cabela's then to a movie ... then spend the night sitting on a couch talking about everything and nothing came to see the SUPER MOON!!!

It's now shorty after 1 A.M. I am spending all day tomorrow at The Bar working several different jobs

I guess I should try to sleep...

My life is different right now then it has ever been.

I like it

...
Have Faith

K*

Dirt Road ~ Kip Moore

When a preacher talks of heaven, he paints it real nice
He says, you better get to livin', better get to livin' right
If you're gonna get your mansion, he's been saving for your soul
If you're gonna do your dancing on city streets of gold

But unless it's got a dirt road leading down to a fishing hole
With a little piece of moonlight, a couple cans of Bud Light
Where I can cuddle with my baby and I can pull her real close
No, I don't wanna go unless heaven's got a dirt road

You better quit your drinking, you better quit your smoking too
Be for trading in your backseat Saturday nights for Sunday morning pew
Well, I've never been nothing, nothing more than what you see
Like my truck, I'm made for running, down to a midnight creek

So unless it's got a dirt road leading down to a fishing hole
With a little piece of moonlight, a couple cans of Bud Light
Where I can cuddle with my baby and I can pull her real close
No, I don't wanna go unless heaven's got a dirt road

All of this flying high, gonna leave ya falling short
Leave you knock, knock, knocking on heaven's basement door
But one thing's for sure

Unless it's got a dirt road leading down to a fishing hole
With a little piece of moonlight, a couple cans of Bud Light
Where I can cuddle with my baby and I can pull her real close
No, I don't wanna go unless heaven's got a dirt road

The speed that things change in my life is unbelievable ... I was all set on ... You know what this is too big I an not even going to write about it tonight i don't to Jinx it lets talk about something else

How about this ...
I'm playing bar league volleyball again this year.  I'm having a good time with that.    I have spent almost every (all but one) Monday and Wednesday back at the A&W helping out the family.  I have also been promoted to Lead Server at the Bar.  CBE (remember Coolest Boss Ever) and his beautiful wife are good to me like that. The CBE has a big hand in my life right now... Someone should remind me to thank him for that. 

Kip Moore had a new album coming out in just a few short weeks!!! I feel I have been waiting a life time for it.

I went canoeing today with Sister #1 BIL#1 their kids BF#3 (who really needs a new name...) and some other friends.  I caught some sun but not much.  It was blissful floating down the river today that it makes me seriously rethink my job so I could have every weekend off to do that anytime it's nice out. It was amazing ... OH and even though I have not been in a canoe in 11 years we did not go in to the drink :)

I should go to bed its late and I had a long but wonderful day :) and I was out WAY to late the two nights before that but had good company ;)

anyway I got nothing else to say now...

Have Faith

K*

Wish you were here ~ Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Happy Birthday to My Peter Pan ...
Happy Birthday to the most honest person I have ever known
Happy Birthday to my friend
Happy 28th Birthday Randy

RBB 15 forever

Faith ... we all need faith

K*

Ghost~ Ella Henderson

I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out
Yeah, they saw what's inside of you
You tried hiding another you
But your evil was coming through

These eyes sitting on the wall
They watch every move I make
Bright light living in the shade
Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane
Had to meet the devil just to know his name

And that's when my love was burning
Yeah, it's still burning

[2x:]
I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Each time that I think you go
I turn around and you're creeping in
And I let you under my skin
'Cause I love living in the sin

Boy you never told me
True love was going to hurt
True pain I don't deserve
Truth is that I never learn

[2x:]
I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Stop the haunting baby

Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
No more haunting baby

I keep going to the river

[2x:]
I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

I got a text today from BF#3 ... it said
"From the Book I'm reading "You have the here and now, Chris says. 'You have a future. Deal with the past so you can stop looking back. It's just pain."

I am currently at mom and dad's house for dinner for the first time since January 2nd.  I'm house sitting and it great! I forgot how nice it is to get out of the shower dry off and walk to get my cloths without a towel on. But as always there is a down side to everything in my life.  I'm spending a lot of time alone.  Too much time is spent thinking about things that I try not to think about.  So I've been working more then normal, and watching a lot of Harry Potter.  Today I went to pay my phone bill and came out with a tablet and a case with a keyboard that will run on WiFi or 4G for $10 a month.  Worth it!  I'm using it right now.  The one down fall it no iTunes.  But I think I can deal with that I still have my iPhone. 
Anyway so back to the text I got today.  sometimes people say things to you or you'll find a quote on line that is just so spot on that it makes you wonder if you were meant to see or hear or read it.  Like it was fated that BF#3 would read that book so she could send that to me.  I need for handle the past rather then just working overtime so I'm too tired to think.  But when you've been putting something off as long as I have (like 4 years) how do you then go back and face it to get closure?  Is that even possible/feasible? Or are the mistakes in my past something I just need to write off and just forget about.  Lets be for real about this.  No one runs from a problem like I do.  For gosh sake I ran 7 hours away then last time.  I guess that's something I will have to decide on my own.  Or maybe the real question here is can I live the ghost of my past or will they haunt me forever.

Just a thought for today...

That's All

Have Faith

K*